The man I was talking to on Zoom was worried.
Things weren’t going well with his girlfriend.
“Everything else comes first before me — her sister, her work — and by the time we get to connect, we have 5 minutes and she’s exhausted.”
He wanted a relationship where they prioritized each other.
But instead of asking for it, he was quietly resentful, which regularly resulted in blow-out fights.
“The underlying resentment and blow-ups are making it less likely she will want to connect with you. What if you told her how you felt — and asked her what she would need for things to change?” I said.
“But isn’t it unattractive to talk about how I’m feeling?” he asked.
“Is it that you’re afraid your girlfriend will see you as weak and criticize you if you reveal what’s going on for you?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said, nodding.
Is it Unattractive for a Man to be Vulnerable in a Relationship?
And I’ve heard countless stories about how men experience women.
A lot of them assume that it's unattractive for a man to be vulnerable in a relationship.
It is true that some women will criticize a man for talking openly and honestly.
It’s true that all of us, no matter what gender, have internalized bullshit about how ‘men’ and ‘women’ — putting us all into pre-defined behavior boxes.
And if we’re unconsciously running those old stories — that ‘real men’ must be invulnerable and show no emotions besides anger — for example — then we act them out.
But let me ask you this:
If you’re with a woman who criticizes you for being vulnerable — do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that?
In this case, Jim* realized that it was the resentment and fights that were more likely to invite her criticism — and have her keep him at arm’s length.
He took a look at his inherited beliefs about ‘masculinity’ and decided that the always-stoic model wasn’t his truth.
In fact, he felt things deeply. And, he loved to love.
He loved to care about others. He had gone out of his way, for decades, to build his business through caring about his employees in ways unheard of in his industry.
He also knew himself to be a courageous and powerful leader who was a straight-talker.
All he had to do was transfer that courage from business to his relationship.
“So you told her what was going on for you?” I asked in our next meeting.
“Yes I did. I told her how much it meant to me when we have quality time together,” he said.
“How did she respond?” I asked.
“She understood and said she wants that too.”
So often, vulnerability is the opening your partner will respond best to.
Ultimately, to build a relationship of depth that lasts and grows over time, that’s who you want by your side.
I can tell you - it is certainly NOT unattractive for a man to be vulnerable in a relationship.
Want to know the secret to unlocking more passion in your relationship?
Show up as a powerful presence that women love (no more worries about being seen as ‘creepy’) and fix your ‘upper limit’ so you can actually receive the pleasure and connection you’re longing for.
Ready to create high-quality relationships across the board in your life (with your partner, kids, parents, boss, and friends)?
Dr. Jessica,
xo
Follow me on Instagram: @drjessicagold and on X: @drjessicagold
*Stories are a combination of different scenarios and names and identifying details have been changed.
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