If you want to be more attractive to your wife, there’s a common misunderstanding that may be torpedoing your efforts.
To illustrate this misunderstanding, here’s a story from my clients, a composite made from several true stories, name changed for privacy.
Keith was secretly seething inside.
He felt unloved and undesired by his wife.
But, she was really stressed all the time, and he wanted her to be happy, so he did what he could to be there for her.
He watched tv with her every night, even when he craved having deep conversations together.
It never seemed like the right time to bring up what he wanted.
He didn’t ask her to stay in bed and cuddle when she jumped out and rushed to do chores every morning, even though he longed for touch.
Part of him was upset that he should even have to ask for affection — ‘If I have to ask, does it really count — shouldn’t she just know?’, he thought.
He didn’t want to seem ‘needy’, so he kept his desires and feelings to himself.
He wanted to spread love and be supportive of his family.
The problem was that he still did have desires and emotions, as much as he tried to pretend otherwise by focusing on everyone else but himself.
He was lost and confused when it came to how to reignite the passion with his wife.
Keith wasn’t a robot.
He was a human having a human experience.
Science tells us that as humans, the fact of the matter is that we are mostly emotional entities that sometimes think (rather than impassive, logic-driven performance machines).
All the suppression in the world can’t deny the reality of our bodies.
The consequence for Keith was that he tended to ‘flip his lid’, ‘boil over’, and… you guessed it, explode.
“You’re hard to be in a relationship with,” his wife told him.
“In fact, you scare me sometimes.”
You see, she didn’t know when he might react with big emotions.
He was unpredictable. She couldn’t rely on him, or trust him to tell her the truth.
He quietly simmered with resentment, and she could feel it, which made her pull away even more.
It was the very act of trying to ‘just be nice’ that caused him to come across as, well… not nice.
Now, this story is emphatically not about ‘blaming’ Keith.
If you’re looking to blame, you’re heading down an anti-relational path — don’t go
there!
The point of this story is to show that tamping things down, keeping the peace at all costs, bending over backwards to please, etc… These things have the opposite effect from what you want.
It’s those behaviors that are ultimately ‘unattractive’ to women because they show a lack of self-esteem.
The problem is that you’ve subtracted yourself from the equation (but don’t go to the other extreme of ‘raging’. The antidote to ‘nice’ is not ‘asshole’).
But don’t misunderstand here: there isn’t an either/or binary at play.
Just because suppression doesn’t work doesn’t mean that the only other option is crying on the floor in a heap.
What does work is coming into healthy self-esteem. What that looks like is having compassion for yourself and realizing it’s okay to be you.
You can have desires, needs, and feelings — and so can she. The essential is that you are honest about them without expectation or acting out.
Imagine this: It’s okay to feel what you feel, and to ask for what you want.
I know… ridiculous, right?!
No! What’s actually ridiculous is how much shame we all, but especially men, get around being feeling humans.
It’s true that you might not get what you want, but the idea is that you collaborate and hear each other out, with love.
And, of course the work is for both partners: Keith’s wife will eventually need to get curious what led her to jump out of bed so quickly and what prevents her from initiating (that’s a whole other article!).
So, what ended up happening to Keith?
With the help of couples’ counseling, he was able to reveal to his wife how much her touch meant to him. Together, they made sense of why he acted the way he did. She finally understood him — and also realized how her own unconscious narratives about relating and intimacy were contributing to the situation.
Armed with their new understanding and skills, they re-focused on growing love between them, instead of trying to ‘get’ things from each other or making unspoken, transactional moves.
To his great surprise, Keith noticed his wife spontaneously initiate affection and cuddles. She turned toward him in bed without him having to ask, just like he had always wanted.
Plus, instead of forever waiting for the ‘right time’ to bring something up, he brought his needs to the table.
His wife actually appreciated the chance to distract from her stress and be useful by focusing on him.
His resentment and anxiety decreased.
“We spent a whole weekend cuddling together. It felt like Christmas morning” he said.
Now THAT'S how to reignite the passion with your wife!
So, what are you taking away from this story?
What have you learned when it comes to how to reignite the passion with your wife?
Many men tell me that women shame them when they attempt to be vulnerable, and I believe it. I’ve heard it from women too.
But I ask you: Is that someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?
And: What way of being is ultimately going to be most fulfilling for you?
Relating is hard and humbling for all of us. May you find your way to feeling deeply nourished in love.
If you’re looking for more ways to bring back that spark, I’ve written a free PDF guide sharing my 4 Keys for Passion.
Discover how to show up as a powerful presence that women love (no more worries about being seen as ‘creepy’) and fix your ‘upper limit’ so you can actually receive the pleasure and connection you’re longing for.
It’s time to create high-quality relationships across the board in your life (with your partner, kids, parents, boss, and friends).
Download your free PDF guide here.
Dr. Jessica,
xo
Follow me on Instagram: @drjessicagold and on X: @drjessicagold
Because “nice” often masks suppressed resentment. When men constantly prioritize peace over authenticity, their wives feel the underlying tension — and lose trust in their emotional steadiness. Suppression kills attraction; honesty rebuilds it.
It’s not always about sex or attraction fading — it’s about emotional disconnection. When a man hides his true feelings to avoid conflict, his wife senses the lack of transparency and stops feeling safe enough to open up or initiate.
Communicate directly, but without expectation. Say what you feel and what you want while remaining grounded and compassionate. Vulnerability is not weakness — it’s what allows genuine intimacy to return.
Healthy self-esteem. It’s about being kind and self-honoring — not swinging between passivity and anger. Women are most attracted to men who can be both compassionate and assertive.
He learned to share his desires openly, stopped walking on eggshells, and started expressing affection from confidence instead of guilt. That honesty created safety — and his wife naturally began turning toward him again.
Download Dr. Jessica Gold’s free guide: 4 Keys to Passionate Relationships.
Learn how to show up as a powerful, grounded presence that reawakens your wife’s attraction and deepens emotional connection.
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