Some goals get harder to achieve the more directly we chase them. These are known as paradoxical goals.
Dating and “being confident” are perfect examples.
When it comes to confidence in dating, the harder you try to appear confident, the less authentic (and therefore less attractive) you become.
You already know this:
You can’t turn a date into your life partner by adding more pressure or trying harder.
And you can’t force yourself to feel confident just by telling yourself you are.
So if pushing directly doesn’t work, what does?
Real confidence in dating isn’t about posturing or pretending, it’s about grounded self-awareness.
You pursue accessory goals — actions that indirectly create the outcome you want.
In dating, the accessory goal is simple:
Enjoy the moment with her.
See how much fun you can have hanging out with a beautiful woman, instead of trying to achieve a particular outcome.
It’s no secret that a relaxed presence is magnetic.
When you’re grounded and enjoying the experience, confidence in dating stops being something you perform and starts being something you are.
When you’re enjoying yourself without running an agenda, she feels it.
And that’s when attraction naturally builds. Voila! You’re one step closer to your goal of finding a life partner.
Confidence works the same way.
The accessory goal for confidence is:
Tell yourself the truth about what you’re feeling.
When you can admit you’re nervous or uncertain, yet still stay present, that’s the deepest form of confidence in dating.
No hype. No inflation. No pretending you’re somewhere you’re not.
The most magnetic form of confidence in dating is emotional honesty: owning your truth without overcompensating.
Women can sense when you’re covering something up. If you think about it, you’ll realize that this goes both ways - men can also sense when something is ‘off.’
When you own your reality without pretense — even just to yourself — you come across as solid and trustworthy.
And that is what other people register as confidence.
Confidently ‘unconfident.’ Yep, try it out. The juice of life is in the paradoxes we hold.
If you’re ready to upgrade your confidence, charisma, and emotional presence, check out my free guide: 10 Ways to Meet Women — OFFLINE.
Stop unwittingly repelling the women you want to attract and break free from repeating patterns in dating.
Be a magnet for gorgeous, emotionally-mature women who you’re actually attracted to.
Download your free PDF dating guide here.
You didn’t build an empire on chance and luck, so why are you winging it when it comes to dating?
Dr. Jessica,
xo
Follow me on IG: @drjessicagold and on X: @drjessicagold, and connect with me on LinkedIn: Dr. Jessica Gold, PhD
It means that the more you try to be confident, the less confident you appear. Real confidence can’t be forced — it emerges naturally when you stop performing and start being present. Trying to “act confident” usually creates tension, self-consciousness, and disconnection — all of which are the opposite of attraction.
Confidence comes from grounded self-awareness, not performance.
Instead of chasing the goal (“I must appear confident”), focus on accessory goals — actions that indirectly build confidence, such as:
When you’re relaxed, honest, and engaged, confidence becomes effortless.
Practice lowering the stakes. Don’t treat every date like a job interview or a test. Instead of trying to “win her over,” ask:
“Can I enjoy this moment, this conversation, this human connection?” Paradoxically, letting go of the outcome is what makes you most magnetic.
Actually, it’s the opposite. Women aren’t turned off by nerves — they’re turned off by inauthenticity. If you can say, “I’m a little nervous, you’re kind of gorgeous,” with a smile and grounded energy, that lands as confidence — because you’re owning reality instead of hiding it.
Because it builds trust. When you’re emotionally congruent — what you feel, say, and do align — people sense safety and depth. That’s what women mean when they say they want a “man who’s real.” Emotional honesty signals strength, maturity, and self-trust.
Start by catching moments where you feel pressure to impress or perform — and instead, name what’s true. “I don’t know what to say right now.” “This is fun.” “I wasn’t expecting to enjoy this so much.” Authenticity melts anxiety faster than any “confidence hack.”
Ready to stop overthinking dating and start attracting emotionally mature women who actually meet you?
Download Dr. Jessica’s Free Dating Guide for Smart Men — discover 10 Ways to Meet Women Offline and build real confidence through presence, authenticity, and connection.
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