There’s really only one thing you need to know.
One of the biggest frustrations my clients (who are mostly men) come to me with is how to communicate with their partners (who are mostly women).
When it comes to how to talk to women, what I find is that many men simply have no framework for communicating outside of giving advice, trying to make her calm down or feel happy, or fixing whatever problem she might be having. These do not work in an emotionally-fraught situation, and they drive a wedge between the two of you — you’ll create a cold, passionless marriage.
Having wise advice, being handy, and offering calming perspective are all great sometimes. The problem comes if that’s the only trick up your sleeve because they don’t create emotional connection. And, most of the time, the emotional level is what we need to address in relationships.
Let’s face it: never in the history of calming down has saying “Be calm!” actually helped another person feel calm. This isn’t a top-down, logic-oriented process. Our nervous systems need safety to relax.
(Obviously, women and men and people of all genders have diverse wants and ways of communicating, and what I’m speaking to isn’t always the case. It can also go the other way around — women also have to learn to listen, and men want to be heard).
I also had to learn how to communicate well — I too only knew how to fix or give advice, which ultimately left me feeling unsatisfied and lacking deep connection. As a PhD scientist who went to MIT, I never had a single class on how to be a healthy human, certainly nothing on communication skills.
What we get modeled is: explaining, defending, and justifying (and that’s also what an activated nervous system defaults to). So, give yourself a break — it is not obvious how anyone is supposed to just ‘know’ this stuff, or where we would learn it in the traditional education setting.
How to Talk to Women Successfully
So what is it that women (and I would guess many of us, of any gender) want? What is the 1 thing?
They want their partner to listen.
Yes!
Talking to women successfully involves a lot of listening.
Of course we all know how to listen by hearing words. What I mean by “listening” goes beyond just understanding certain sounds as words.
Listening doesn’t mean standing there nodding impatiently and not saying anything while you wait for your turn to speak (oh I have been SO guilty of that one).
By ‘listening’ in a way that creates harmony in relationship, I’m referring to 3 steps:
1. Listening with your entire being — listening to her words, listening for her emotions, listening for what she’s not saying, and opening as much as you can on every level, to be right with her, totally present.
2. Repeating back to her what she said, using her words as much as possible, without making it awkward or robotic. “So what I heard you say, my love, is this….”
3. Asking her if you got it right — if you heard her correctly — and giving her space to correct, add, or affirm. Going back and forth listening and repeating until she knows you have really heard and taken in her words.
Listening in this way is an art form! You may need to ask her to slow down or shorten what she’s saying so you can really ‘get it’, and that’s okay too. It’s a collaboration between the two of you.
Keep your eye on the prize: connection! Tell her that what you’re doing is in service of strengthening the love and connection between you.
This approach makes relating and understanding how to talk to women a lot more fun and even relaxing.
Listening in this way means I don’t have to have the answer, the solution, the fix, or the ‘right thing’ to say. Another bonus is that if I’m having a big emotional response to the words, instead of reacting, I can give myself time to handle the emotions by simply repeating back what I heard.
And of course, it works not only in intimate partnership, but at work too, in difficult conversations with a boss or colleague.
For some people, simply being listened to in this deep way is enough, and that’s all that was needed. In other cases, you can ask if the person would like to hear your advice. Or, you may notice a natural empathy emerge: “It makes sense you would be frustrated too in that situation.”
If you’re encountering push-back from your mind such as: “But she doesn’t actually make sense to me!” or “I completely disagree with what she’s saying, I’m not going to repeat it back!” or “But she’s attacking me, I’m not gonna stand there and just take it.”
Then you might want to check out my Love Communication 6-Week Course for Men, where I address these objections (And no, you don’t have to ‘take’ anything — that’s where boundaries come in).
For now, here’s a bonus alternative that’s even easier than what we’ve explored so far: If repeating back what she said doesn’t work for you, but you get it that advice, defending, and explaining don’t get you the result you want, use the 3 magic words: “Tell me more, babe.”
Then follow it up with: “What kind of support would you like from me right now?”
When I learned this way of communicating, it took my conversations instantly deeper. The person I was with felt connected to me, and safer.
When I think of all the years I spent trying to fix, change how someone was feeling, or judging their situation, I am grateful for all my friends who stuck it out and kept hanging out with me anyway. I think in those days, none of us really knew how to do any better.
If you’ve never conversed this way, it might be a bit awkward at first. You simply need to practice. Call up a trusted friend, or hire a mentor, and let yourself be messy about it until it starts to feel more natural.
Role-playing new forms of communication is a regular practice I do with my clients.
It’s like learning a new sport, or learning to dance. It’s okay to not get it ‘perfect’ — and in this, there is no perfect, really, just an unfolding process of being human together.
Give it a shot.
Do you sometimes feel like you and your wife / women really are from different planets?
Are you tired of just trying to understand her, but getting accused of ‘not doing it right’?
Are you frustrated that your well-meaning advice doesn’t seem to be valued?
Imagine instead…
When you speak, she smiles and takes your hand.
You can bring up important stuff without fearing her reaction.
She adores and respects you because of how you handle communication.
You feel heard, understood, connected and desired.
Love Communication brings together my 10 years of studying and screwing up when it comes to how to talk to women.
With love,
Dr. Jessica
xo
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