How to Re-Kindle Passion with Your Wife and Keep the Peace

In my last article, I wrote about research-backed ‘losing strategies’ in relating, according to three renowned experts: Terry Real, Esther Perel, and John Gottman.

Now, I’m bringing you their ‘winning strategies’ — positive things you can do.

If you've been wondering how to re-kindle passion with your wife and keep the peace, keep reading.

Terry Real’s “Winning Strategies”

1. Advocate for yourself — with love

2. Speak to make things better — instead of complaining or criticizing

3. Listen to understand — not to argue facts

4. Respond with generosity — don’t escalate the fight

5. Cherish what you have — with appreciation and compliments

Esther Perel’s “Invitations”

1. Practice accountability. Avoid viewing yourself as a victim in the relationship. Take responsibility for your role and actions.
2. Don’t bring the best of yourself to work or everywhere else and the leftovers home. Stop thinking of your relationship like a cactus that you never need to water.
3. Replace comfort with curiosity. Take risks, put yourselves in new situations, discover new aspects of yourself and of each other, actively engage with the unknown — together.

John Gottman’s “Magic Ratio” and Foundations

1. Turn towards each other: Respond positively to your partner’s bids for attention and connection.
2. Nurture fondness and admiration: Actively cultivate and express positive feelings towards your partner.
3. Maintain a “magic ratio”: Aim for five positive interactions for every negative one.
4. Practice active listening: Don’t listen to know who’s ‘right’, to defend, or to explain. Listen to understand.
5. Be open to influence: Allow your partner’s perspectives and ideas to impact your decisions and viewpoints.

You’ve heard that ‘relationships take work’ — but no one ever explains what that work is.

This is what ‘the work’ is: putting your ego and defenses aside to focus on the health of the connection between you. It’s about getting out of the bullshit zero-sum game we’ve been sold that pits men against women and instead getting:

Generous (within boundaries!), accountable, appreciative, curious, and willing to take risks.

And yes, you will screw it up. It’s not about perfection, it’s about progress. Your partner’s not perfect, either. You’re in this together.

I know how strong the desire is to react to feel better in the moment… And forget about love.

That ego protective desire is hard to ignore; you’ll probably give in — I know I do. It’s normal — what’s sadly less normal is to then do excellent repair that includes real change, like taking measures so that the defenses take over less often (things like therapy, yes, and also meditating, drinking less, getting enough sleep, and exercise go a long way).

At the end of the day, do you want more peace and more passion?

You can keep doing what you’re doing… Or you can take it from research and the experts who’ve been observing couples for a combined 100+ years.

Because when it comes down to how to re-kindle passion with your wife and keep the peace, trust the science.

Want to unlock more passion in your relationship?

Discover my 4 Keys for Passionate Relationships in this free PDF guide.

Show up as a powerful presence that women love (no more worries about being seen as ‘creepy’) and fix your ‘upper limit’ so you can actually receive the pleasure and connection you’re longing for.

​Create high-quality relationships across the board in your life (with your partner, kids, parents, boss, and friends).

Download your free PDF guide here.

Dr. Jessica,

xo

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