Here's something every man knows but rarely admits: when you're around a woman you find incredibly attractive, your IQ drops about 30 points.
These are dating and relationship tips for men who do great in business, but get weird around the women they actually want.
You know you're doing it. You're pursuing too hard. You're texting too much. You're trying to prove something. And somewhere in the back of your mind, a small voice is asking: Why am I acting like this?
The answer is simpler than you think and the solution is more practical than you'd expect.
Let's start with the uncomfortable truth: you're wired for this. As a species, we developed a strong pull toward physical attractiveness because it helped us reproduce. It's evolutionary firmware, not a personal failing.
But here's what the research actually shows about long-term relationship satisfaction: physical appearance barely registers.
So what does predict happiness decades into a relationship? It’s about the beauty below the surface:
How does she handle conflict and repair?
Does she see relationship challenges as opportunities for growth?
Do you feel like you're on the same team?
Think about it this way: if you’re focused on beauty, you're optimizing for the wrong variable. It's like a startup optimizing for vanity metrics instead of revenue, or a product team obsessing over UI polish while ignoring core functionality.
As a former researcher in chemistry, I can tell you that there’s a parallel here with molecular bonding. Two molecules can be powerfully drawn to each other, but whether they form a stable bond depends on their structural compatibility, not just initial attraction.
So how do you handle that ‘over-eager’, intense pull of attraction and give yourself a chance to assess for structural compatibility?
The first step is to realize: you are not your attraction.
That fixation you feel when you see her—the heat in your chest, the tension in your jaw, the tunnel vision—that's just energy moving through your system. It's powerful, yes. But it's not you.
Most men have never been taught this distinction. Our culture gives us exactly two options: indulge every desire or suppress it entirely. Both options suck. Both leave you controlled by the feeling rather than aware of it.
Here's the shift: Start noticing the sensation itself. Where do you feel it in your body? What does the fixation actually feel like?
The moment you can observe it, you've created separation. Now, you're the scientist, not the experiment.
Once you've noticed the fixation, here's what to do: Let yourself relax down and back in your body.
Take a breath. Loosen your jaw. Feel yourself settle back into your center, like you're sitting back in a chair.
This isn't some woo-woo concept. It's about literally shifting out of your limbic system (which doesn't care if you're happy, only if you reproduce) and back into your prefrontal cortex (which can actually think strategically).
From that centered place, you can ask better questions: Yes, she's beautiful. But does she treat people well? Can we actually solve hard problems together? Am I pursuing her because I want her, or because I want to prove I'm good enough for her?
Set one simple boundary: no ‘anxiety texting.’ If you feel the impulse, wait 30 minutes, regulate, then decide.
Here are a few more examples of boundaries you could set:
The second step in handling the ‘over-eager’ desire is to flip your inner script.
You see, most men get it backwards: they treat dating like a job interview where they’re the candidate.
They're showing up trying to prove something, hoping she will like them. They're pushing, performing, pursuing - and beautiful women yawn at this.
This is where nice guy syndrome shows up: over-giving, over-texting, over-performing, hoping she’ll pick you.
If your biggest leak is what you say when you're nervous, learn to communicate in a way that builds attraction instead of killing it.
Flip it.
Instead, sit down and back and let her qualify herself to you. Be two humans together hoping for love and figuring out if you match. Don’t bring arrogance, but do bring your standards. You know what you want in a partner beyond "really hot." You know what kind of relationship you're building toward.
When you come into dating from this place—"This is who I am, this is what I want, let's see if we're a fit"—it's magnetic. You're not being distant or playing hard to get. You're grounded in your own self-worth.
And women who are used to men constantly auditioning for them? They find that incredibly attractive.
Step three goes deep.
Sometimes the fixation isn't about proving yourself. Sometimes it's about scarcity. She's the one. I have to make this work. No one else will ever be like her.
This is where you need a different practice: surrender.
Surrender is the practice of saying: "If this is meant to work, it will. If it's not, there will be another one."
This isn't resignation. It's the opposite—it's confidence, and a basic sense of trust in life. This is a beautiful quality that growth-oriented women love, by the way.
Surrender shows confidence that you have a lot to offer. Confidence that if you stop forcing and let things unfold naturally, the right match will emerge. Confidence that your worth isn't determined by whether this particular woman chooses you.
Is it hard? Extremely. Our nervous systems have minds of their own. But it's also the only way forward that doesn't leave you exhausted, desperate, or settling.
Here's what very attractive women deal with constantly: men pursuing them. Men trying too hard. Men being needy or weird or pushy.
You know what stands out? A man who knows who he is. Who has standards. Who's friendly and present, but not desperate. Who's not in a hurry because he's not coming from scarcity.
That down-and-back energy—centered, grounded, clear about what you want—is rare. And it's what actually creates attraction at a deeper level than physical appearance ever could.
If these concepts feel foreign, that's normal. Most men have never encountered this framework. Here's where to start:
This isn't a one-time fix. It's a practice you'll return to multiple times a day when you're dating someone you're really attracted to. Write yourself notes. Set reminders. Be patient with yourself.
The alternative—letting attraction control you—doesn't work. You know this. You've tried it.
Time to try something else, like executive dating coaching for high-performing men.
Love, Dr. Jessica
Follow me on IG: @drjessicagold and on X: @drjessicagold, and connect with me on LinkedIn: Dr. Jessica Gold, PhD
P.S. If you're a man who has succeeded in business but your 20-year marriage didn't survive, and you're back on the dating market feeling rusty, wondering where to meet self-aware, growth-oriented women who value their erotic life, I've still got you. Let's find the woman of your dreams in 2026.
If you’re ready to upgrade your confidence, charisma, and emotional presence, check out my free guide for more dating tips for men: 10 Ways to Meet Women — OFFLINE.
Stop unwittingly repelling the women you want to attract and break free from repeating patterns in dating.
Be a magnet for gorgeous, emotionally-mature women who you’re actually attracted to.
Download your free PDF dating guide here.
You didn’t build an empire on chance and luck, so why are you winging it when it comes to dating?
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