You don’t have to guess what doesn’t work. The data is there.

The data is in! From both research and half a century of clinical work with modern relationships.

Now, all you need to do is put it into action.

However, you’ll miss the point if you use this information to beat yourself up or decide ‘who’s right and who’s wrong’ in your relationship.

Use this instead to bring awareness to the pattern playing out between the two of you.

If you want love, stop laying blame.

First, all you need to do is get really honest about what is actually true right now, without judging it.

Simply decide to take a sober look at it all.

Ready?

Here’s what to avoid if you want your relationship to succeed, in a slightly humorous vein, from Terry Real, Esther Perel, and John Gottman.

Terry Real’s 5 Losing Strategies: The Fast Track to Relationship Ruin

1. Needing to Be Right: Because nothing says “I love you” like proving your partner wrong at every turn. Who needs harmony when you can have a debate team at home?
2. Controlling Your Partner: Who needs vulnerability when you can dominate, micromanage, nag, and withhold affection in order to get safety and satisfaction?
3. Retaliation: You want them to hurt like you hurt, that’ll bring the peace back, right?
4. Withdrawal: Nothing solves problems like pretending they don’t exist. Ostrich approach, anyone?
5. Unbridled Self-Expression: Pile on everything you can possibly think of. They’ll have to listen to you if you just don’t stop talking.

Esther Perel’s Defeating Strategies: The Advanced Course in Relationship Sabotage

1. Maximizing: Because every tiny issue should be treated like a catastrophic event. That unwashed mug? Clearly a sign of impending doom.
2. Minimizing: On the flip side, why acknowledge real problems when you can brush them under the rug by saying ‘you’re over-reacting?’
3. Exploding: When in doubt, erupt like Vesuvius. Nothing says “let’s work this out” like a volcanic tantrum.
4. Imploding: Alternatively, turn that anger inward and become a black hole of resentment. Your partner will surely appreciate the guessing game of “What’s wrong? Nothing.”
5. Kitchen Sinking: Why stick to one issue when you can bring up every grievance since the dawn of time? Time travel has never been so toxic!
6. Hyper-Focus on Details: Make sure you get everything objectively ‘right’ and avoid addressing the real pain underneath.
7. Bringing in the Troops: Because nothing works better than shaming your partner further by pointing out that your mom, your best friend, and the research is all on your side.
8. Contempt: What idiotic thing did your partner do this time? They still can’t read your mind? Who needs them, anyway?
9. Retaliation: Terry Real was onto something here. When it’s too scary to bring up the pain directly, what else can you do?

John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: The Doomsday Preppers of Love

1. Criticism: Making requests is vulnerable — why do that when you can attack your partner’s character? “You never do the dishes” sounds so much better than “Can you help me with the dishes, my love?”
2. Contempt: Take criticism up a notch by adding a dash of superiority. That’s 2 expert votes for this losing strategy.
3. Defensiveness: The best defense is a good offense, especially when it comes to deflecting responsibility. Make sure things are always your partner’s fault.
4. Stonewalling: When all else fails, build that wall! Nothing says “I’m invested in this relationship” like emotional disengagement, the silent treatment, and avoiding repair.

If you recognize yourself here, you’re not alone. These behaviors are the status quo of relating today.

Some of my personal favorites are criticism, defensiveness, and needing to be right. 

Most of us simply did not get exposed to healthy relationship strategies that actually work.

The good news is, we actually know how to work smartly with the human nervous system in relationships today — and you can learn it.

So, start by figuring out what your favorite losing strategies are and what your partner’s are, too.

Get curious about where you learned them and why you default to them.

Then, stay tuned for my next article on how to antidote them with winning strategies.

Beware of black-and-white thinking here: a great relationship is not about never making mistakes or never fighting — it’s about recognizing when you’re using a losing strategy and deciding to do something different.

Over and over… and over again.

Want to unlock more passion in your relationship?

Discover my 4 Keys for Passionate Relationships in this free PDF guide.

Show up as a powerful presence that women love (no more worries about being seen as ‘creepy’) and fix your ‘upper limit’ so you can actually receive the pleasure and connection you’re longing for.

​Create high-quality relationships across the board in your life (with your partner, kids, parents, boss, and friends).

Download your free PDF guide here.

Dr. Jessica

xo

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Quick Answers: What to Avoid if You Want Your Relationship to Succeed

What are the biggest mistakes couples make, according to research?

The world’s leading relationship experts — Terry Real, Esther Perel, and John Gottman — have spent decades studying this, and the verdict is clear. The top “losing strategies” that destroy connection are:

• Needing to be right
  
  
• Controlling your partner
  
  
• Retaliation or revenge
  
  
• Withdrawal or stonewalling
  
  
• Unbridled self-expression (dumping emotions without responsibility)
  
  

Why do these behaviors cause so much harm?

They create a power struggle instead of a partnership. Each one reinforces defensiveness and emotional distance rather than safety and intimacy.

What’s the #1 most destructive habit of all?

According to Gottman’s research, contempt — mocking, eye-rolling, or speaking with superiority — is the single strongest predictor of divorce. It erodes respect and safety faster than anything else.

What should I do instead of blaming or withdrawing?

Pause. Get curious. Ask yourself:

• “What’s the pattern we’re in?”
  
  
• “What am I protecting myself from right now?”
  Then, speak from vulnerability: what you feel and need, rather than what your partner did wrong.
  
  

How do I recognize my own “losing strategies”?

Notice your go-to moves when you feel hurt — are you arguing, shutting down, or retaliating? Awareness is the first step toward breaking the pattern.

Can couples really unlearn these habits?

Yes — and it’s proven by decades of relational neuroscience. When you change your responses, you rewire your brain for empathy, repair, and connection.

What’s one small shift I can make today?

Replace criticism with a clear request. Instead of “You never help,” try “It would mean a lot if we could cook together tonight.” Clarity is connection.

Want to learn what does work instead?

Get my free guide: 4 Keys to Passionate Relationships.
Discover the proven tools that help you stay connected, repair effectively, and rekindle the spark — even after years together.

Download your free guide here.

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