Last weekend, I was drinking a glass of sparkling wine on the 27th floor of a beautiful hotel, in a room full of geeky entrepreneurs -
When I saw a man make a beeline toward me.
Something about him stood out against the sea of kind, friendly, nerds.
He was tall, dark, and had a certain energy about him.
As soon as he learned what my business is about, he glanced around and said quietly:
“I don’t want to offend you… But, the truth is… Most women want to be dominated.”
He leaned in, and doubled-down:
“After I got divorced, I studied pick-up.”
At this point, every cell in my body could feel a certain confidence and hint of ‘danger’ energy in this man.
There was an undeniable sizzle.
(I didn’t feel like I was actually in any ‘danger’, but rather had that feeling of: ‘this guy can toss a woman around in bed without worrying about it,’ sort of energy).
I was delighted.
Both to be on this topic, in the middle of all the talk about APIs, Pinecone, and cloud functions…
And to be feeling this energy in him.
But, I actually didn’t agree with him.
“I’m not offended.”
I said as I sipped my sparkling wine and took a deep breath, excited for a sure-to-be interesting conversation.
Note: I’ve talked to a lot of former PUAs, and I understand the appeal of the dogma that most women want to be dominated…
And I am also well aware of these ‘just-so’ theories pushed by evolutionary psychology that are popular in the mannosphere.
It’s reassuring to have some sort of ‘certainty’ when facing the vulnerability of dating, as a man. I get it.
While anecdotal evidence from my own life shows that many women (including all the women I spoke with at a recent women’s retreat I attended) DO quietly wish their man would be more assertive in bed, if you’re operating without any curiosity about what the woman in front of you might actually like, you’re heading for disaster.
“While being assertive can be hot, women’s sexuality is diverse — just like men’s.” I said to the PUA.
“In fact, recent studies have shown that the #1 quality women want in men is kindness.”
He was quick to jump back in:
“I’m going to disagree with you there.”
“So your second marriage is a happy one?” I asked him.
He made a face.
The irony of our conversation is that my own journey DID include learning to let go of control and face my attraction for men who aren’t afraid to be assertive in bed (consensually, on a foundation of respect).
At this point, you may be seeing the paradox here:
If some women want to be dominated, but we also want you to be curious and attuned, then how do you bring assertiveness while also staying curious?
And that is where relating gets really juicy and interesting.
Because holding this paradox is a life-long skill you hone, as you experiment, get feedback, course-correct, learn more, and keep practicing and bringing awareness to this dance.
In my work, I’m interested in giving men the permission and skill to create that SIZZLE in women as part of an entire toolkit that also includes attunement, great communication, and mutual respect.
The way I see it is as FREEDOM. You get to tune into what the moment is calling for from you, and then choose what you bring.
The key is to do it in service of love.
I want to give you the freedom to bring both your heart AND your power, as a man.
Because staying in a ‘nice guy’ box is going to kill the passion in your relationship.
And trying to manipulate from out-dated, see-through PUA tactics might get you notches on your belt, but it won’t get you the love of your life.
But don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. And don’t go from one extreme to the other.
Freedom to play with all your gifts as a man means you get to hone BOTH your ability to listen to her so deeply that her soul quivers and she dissolves in a puddle at your feet…
AND your ability to assertively take her in your arms, slide your fingers into her hair and squeeze just the way she likes it, tilting her head while you kiss her neck so that every ounce of tension drains from her and she begs for more.
The pick-up artist didn’t have a happy second marriage — and I wasn’t surprised, because if you’re using tricks to get women to like you, how’s that really going to turn out in the long run?
AND, at the same time, I liked the confidence and dark knight energy I could feel in him. It made having a conversation alluring, no doubt.
Many men today tell me they are afraid of bringing their power or assertiveness.
And it’s true: you don’t want to bring it in the old way of domination and control, lacking consent and respect.
However, whether or not the woman you’re with wants this from you in bed, your ability to bring your powerful protector and assertive side will be a major asset in your professional success and personal life overall.
So, let’s play.
If you do find yourself in the bedroom with a woman who wants to be dominated…
Experimenting with Neo-Tantra might open a few fun avenues to explore this polarity.
You can find out how to incorporate Neo-Tantra into your sex life with my free guide, available for download here.
Get THE manual for tantra you’ve always wanted — if you think you know what ‘tantra’ is — think again…
Download your free guide here.
With love,
Dr. Jessica
xo
Not in the way porn or culture often portrays it. Most women don’t want to be controlled, coerced, or disrespected. What they crave is a partner who brings clear leadership, grounded presence, and erotic confidence — qualities that make them feel safe enough to surrender.
Because men confuse domination with aggression or force. Healthy dominance isn’t about overpowering. It’s about creating a container where your partner can trust, relax, and open more fully.
No. Women who enjoy a man’s strong leadership aren’t “weak.” In fact, many powerful, high-achieving women want a place in their relationship where they don’t have to lead. Desire for polarity is about balance, not weakness.
Neuroscience shows women feel most attracted when they sense both strength and attunement in a man. Confidence without empathy feels unsafe. Empathy without strength feels flat. True polarity combines both.
If you only show “nice guy” energy — endlessly accommodating and never leading — many women will feel unseen or unaroused. Passion fades when polarity disappears.
Most women want a man who can hold both strength and sensitivity. They don’t want to be dominated in the degrading sense; they want to feel a partner’s confident presence so they can surrender to connection and play.
Learn the skills of erotic leadership and polarity. Start with my free guide: 12 Principles of True Chemistry for Your Relationship.
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