How to Repair Your Relationship

In a previous article I talked about how the sign of a great relationship isn’t that you ‘never fight’ - it’s how well you repair.

And that research shows that our brains are wired for the cycle of harmony-disharmony-repair from our earliest moments.

But we are not taught how to repair effectively. 

It’s also just plain terrifying and hard - I know I avoided repair like the plague most of my life.

I thought it meant I had to admit I was a bad person or that I was wrong.

Luckily, that’s not what repair is about.

And, if you think having uncomfortable conversations is hard, wait till you see the results of not having them . 

Yep, it’s a bad scene. Decades of sexless marriage (I see it in my clients all the time), divorce, years of silence, an energetically costly stand-off…

Ouf.

Meanwhile, one major quality that puts my respect for my man through the roof is his impressive ability to have hard conversations and repair.

So, how do you repair your relationship?

First, what repair is NOT:

1. Assigning blame

2. Deciding who's right and who's wrong

3. Explaining or defending your actions

4. Telling the other person why they shouldn't be upset

5. Saying the right thing to get them to forgive and forget

6. Losing/admitting defeat

7. Talking about what you did wrong and how bad you feel about it

Phew! Some of those were my trusty go-tos. Yours, too?

Right. We’re doing our best. Time for some self-forgiveness, all around.

Now let’s look at what repair actually IS:

1. Acknowledging a specific, objective thing that you did (It’s true, I came home late)
2. Recognizing the impact (I can see that it upset you)
3. Getting their point of view and validating (If you thought I didn’t care, it makes sense you would feel that way)
4. Empathizing, if you can (I might feel the same way)
5. Expressing sorrow or regret
6. Offering a plan to change things in the the future (In the future, I will text you)
7. Asking what they need from you right now.

It’s not necessary to do all the steps every time. Sometimes it’s not possible. But #1 and #2, as well as one step from #3-5, and then 6 or 7, are key.

By the way, do NOT do this when your nervous systems are still activated. Words don’t have as much of an impact in that situation.

Take a time out and regulate. Then find another time to do the repair verbally.

Once you’ve nailed how to repair your relationship - let’s reignite that spark, shall we?

Check out my free masterclass on how to be irresistible to your woman.

Anchor in the 4 essential shifts to make her melt with simple changes you can implement right now!

You'll wonder why no one told you this 20 years ago…

Watch the class for free here.

Dr. Jessica,

xo

Follow me on IG: @drjessicagold and on X: @drjessicagold, and connect with me on LinkedIn: Dr. Jessica Gold, PhD

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Quick Answers: How to Repair Your Relationship Like a Pro

Why is repair more important than never fighting?

Because conflict is inevitable — what matters is how you reconnect afterward. Research shows the strength of your repair process determines long-term relationship satisfaction more than how often you fight.

What exactly is “repair” in a relationship?

Repair is the act of restoring emotional connection after conflict. It’s not about blame, being right, or saying the perfect thing. It’s about acknowledging what happened, validating feelings, and rebuilding trust.

What’s the biggest mistake people make when trying to repair?

Jumping straight into explanations or defenses — “I didn’t mean it that way” — instead of slowing down to validate your partner’s experience. That bypasses empathy and keeps you stuck in disconnection.

What are the steps to repair effectively?

1. Acknowledge what happened.
   
   
2. Name the impact.
   
   
3. Validate your partner’s perspective.
   
   
4. Express empathy or remorse.
   
   
5. Offer a simple plan for next time.
   
   
6. Ask what they need from you now.
   
   

When should I try to repair after a fight?

Not in the heat of the moment. Wait until both nervous systems are regulated. Once calm, revisit the issue with curiosity and care — that’s when words actually land.

Why is repair such a “power move” for men?

Because it signals leadership and emotional intelligence. A man who can face conflict without avoidance or defensiveness becomes deeply trustworthy — and that’s what melts a woman’s guard.

What’s my next step?

Watch my free masterclass: How to Be Irresistible to Your Woman.
Learn the four key shifts that make her feel safe, desired, and emotionally connected again — no drama, no guessing.

Watch the free class here.

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