Last weekend, I was drinking a glass of sparkling wine on the 27th floor of a beautiful hotel, in a room full of geeky entrepreneurs —
When I saw a man make a beeline toward me.
Something about him stood out against the sea of kind, friendly, nerds.
He was tall, dark, and had a certain energy about him.
As soon as he learned what my business is about, he glanced around and said quietly:
“I don’t want to offend you… But, the truth is… Most women want to be dominated.”
He leaned in and doubled-down:
“After I got divorced, I studied pick-up.”
Every cell in my body could feel a certain confidence and hint of danger in this man. There was an undeniable sizzle.
I wasn’t in any actual danger, but rather had that sense of: this guy could toss a woman around in bed without second-guessing himself.
I was delighted. Both to be on this topic, in the middle of all the talk about APIs, Pinecone, and cloud functions — and to be feeling this energy in him.
But I didn’t agree with him.
Because real confidence in bed isn’t about domination — it’s about attunement.
“I’m not offended,” I said, sipping my wine and taking a deep breath, ready for what was sure to be an interesting conversation.
I’ve talked to a lot of former PUAs, and I understand the appeal of the dogma that most women want to be dominated. I’m also aware of the “just-so” evolutionary psychology theories popular in the manosphere.
It’s reassuring to have certainty when facing the vulnerability of dating. I get it.
Many women — including all the women I spoke with at a recent retreat — DO quietly wish their man would be more assertive in bed. But if you’re operating without curiosity about what the woman in front of you actually wants, you’re heading for disaster.
“While being assertive can be hot, women’s sexuality is diverse — just like men’s,” I said. “In fact, recent studies show the #1 quality women want in men is kindness.”
There is no universal formula for what women want sexually — only attunement to the woman in front of you.
He jumped back in: “I’m going to disagree with you there.”
“So your second marriage is a happy one?” I asked.
He made a face.
The irony is that my own journey included learning to let go of control and embrace my attraction to men who aren’t afraid to be assertive in bed — consensually, on a foundation of respect.
You may see the paradox here:
If some women want to be dominated, but also want you to be curious and attuned, how do you bring assertiveness while staying responsive to her?
This is what most men are actually asking when they search how to be dominant in bed without crossing lines.
That’s where relating gets interesting.
Before I studied relationship chemistry, I was a PhD organic chemist (true story!) and there are plenty of parallels between molecule bonding and interpersonal bonding.
Here’s a chemical analogy for this paradox: in organic chemistry, we call certain reactions “stereoselective” — meaning the outcome depends on how molecules approach each other in space. The same reagents, brought together at different angles or under different conditions, produce different products.
Attraction works the same way. Your assertiveness isn’t inherently good or bad — what matters is how you bring it, when you bring it, and whether you’re reading the conditions correctly.
Holding this paradox is a skill you hone over a lifetime — experimenting, gathering feedback, course-correcting, and staying aware throughout the dance.
Sexual confidence isn’t force — it’s calibrated presence.
In my work, I give men both the permission and the skill to create that SIZZLE — as part of an entire toolkit that also includes attunement, communication, and mutual respect.
The way I see it: FREEDOM. You tune into what the moment calls for, then choose what you bring. The key is doing it in service of connection, not conquest.
I want to give you the freedom to bring both your heart AND your power as a man.
Staying in a “nice guy” box will kill the passion in your relationship.
And relying on outdated, transparent PUA tactics might get you notches on your belt — but it won’t get you the love of your life.
Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Don’t swing from one extreme to the other.
Freedom to play with all your gifts as a man means honing BOTH your ability to listen to her so deeply that her soul quivers and she dissolves at your feet…
AND your ability to assertively take her in your arms, slide your fingers into her hair and squeeze just the way she likes it, tilting her head while you kiss her neck so that every ounce of tension drains from her and she begs for more.
The pick-up artist didn’t have a happy second marriage — and I wasn’t surprised. If you’re using tricks to get women to like you, how’s that going to play out over decades?
At the same time, I liked the confidence and dark knight energy I could feel in him. It made conversation alluring, no doubt.
Many men today tell me they’re afraid of bringing their power or assertiveness. That fear makes sense: you don’t want to bring it in the old way — domination and control, lacking consent and respect.
But whether or not the woman you’re with wants this from you in bed, your ability to access your protector energy and assertive side is a major asset in your professional success and life overall.
So, let’s play.
I wrote up 12 Principles of True Chemistry that show you how to create unforgettable experiences she’ll be craving again and again.
Get my free guide, available for download here.
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