“I’m great at leading and being assertive in work meetings, but when it comes to women, I’m terrified of being seen as a jerk and I feel guilty for having desire,” said one recently-divorced founder who had built and sold 3 companies.
I hear this refrain over and over in my work.
You’re a good man with a kind heart. You don’t want to cause harm.
So, you let your power out at work, where your ability to attract A-players, avoid pitfalls that dilute your cap table, lock in differentiation, and confidently pull off tricky deals are what make you a legend.
But in dating, you can’t seem to get your skills to transfer. You’re still single.
You want a peaceful relationship, but you keep attracting drama: women with a lot of debt, chaotic relations with their family, sexual trauma that makes you hesitate to make a move, emotional instability with sudden big swings, or worse.
In quiet moments, you admit that you’re embarrassed about it all. You see yourself as accomplished, kind, mature, smart - what is going on when it comes to women?
You’re normally renowned for solving thorny problems, but this one is- maddeningly - escaping you.
So what gives? Why are you still single?
Here’s the deal: the reason you can’t solve this as handily as you dealt with getting traction in your business is because the tools required are not in your toolkit -
And you don’t know they’re not in your toolkit.
It’s one of those ‘you don’t know what you don’t know’ problems.
Here’s why:
Men were not raised with the relational know-how to figure this out.
In fact, you were actively discouraged and shamed out of it.
You know all that ‘boys don’t cry’, ‘provider & protect’, ‘go it alone’, ‘be a man’, ‘be the strongest, fastest’ type stuff that pervaded your childhood?
Those teachings train outer skills - the strong provider, leadership & problem-solving skills that you excel in today.
What you didn’t get are inner skills, or, as one private equity investor put it: the ability to hone your ‘intangible assets’.
As a researcher and PhD scientist, I can tell you that there is a scientific basis under this.
Briefly - this is one particular angle - the discursive, logical processes of the mind that we are so used to prioritizing are only a tiny fraction of our brain’s activity - and a tiny fraction (~7%) of what is communicated to others.
So, if you’re ‘terrified of being a jerk’ and you ‘feel guilty for having desire’, like the founder at the beginning of this article, that fear, guilt, and overall hesitation get communicated - whether you intend them to be or not.
Women (and men too) can sense these underlying feelings via ‘implicit systems’ in the brain. This lack of congruence can repel self-aware women - the very women you’re looking for.
Dating smarter is about matching your inner and outer presentations.
It’s simple, but it’s not easy.
Here’s an example of the Bliss Science process I walk my clients through:
Whether you’re in a relationship that needs a romantic revival or you’re dating after divorce, the process is similar.
I’m a founder of a tech company myself, and I offer relational work for men and couples.
I have one opening left for 2025 for my program for elite men.
Get my free guide: 12 Principles of True Chemistry for Your Relationship.
If you want to know the secrets to fixing a broken marriage and reigniting a relationship that stays vibrant, passionate, and fulfilling, year after year…
It’s not about fancy date nights or expensive trips. Research shows that real connection requires something deeper.
That’s why I’ve distilled the 12 essential principles that show you which variables to experiment with to actually get ROI from your efforts.
Stop doing what doesn’t work and instead create a life full of love and passion.
Dr. Jessica,
xo
Follow me on IG: @drjessicagold and on X: @drjessicagold, and connect with me on LinkedIn: Dr. Jessica Gold, PhD
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