It’s true what the research says:
It’s ridiculously hot to see my partner in his element, his ‘zone of genius.’
You might be questioning: "Can I really turn her on just by doing what I love?"
In my client work I find that men often stop honing their talents or pursuits, and instead only pursue the woman in their life — through ‘pushing’ instead of ‘attracting.’
And it’s a real shame because pursuing a passion, bringing an element of surprise or fearlessness, and breaking routine — these are what nourish attraction (thank you, Esther Perel).
For example, my partner is maddeningly great at all kinds of things, from skiing to poaching eggs to arranging music (the latter definitely a surprise!).
When I watch him in his element, I feel an exquisite sense of expansion — a wow! — an inspiration — and a magnetic pull that I can’t resist.
It’s the ultimate antidote to neediness, pressure, or ‘Nice Guy’ stuff.
Frankly, half the allure of skiing is watching him carve the slopes with such grace.
He shows effortless confidence and competence, and… There I am watching with my jaw hanging open.
(Yes, infuriatingly, even with poached eggs — which had always been MY zone of genius, until he showed up doing it better).
So, what are the top 3 ways my man turns me on by doing what he loves?
#1 is definitely:
1. Being in his “zone of genius”
What are the other two?
2. Being steadfast and reliable
Being able to relax into his solid presence is THE relief my nervous system needs. I don’t have to worry about things getting done. He’s on it.
3. Consistently carving out time from his two jobs and the kids in order to have quality time, conversations, and cuddles with me.
I don’t know how he magically pulls time out of thin air to do this, but he prioritizes our connection, and it is deeply fucking moving.
So, before you buy more lingerie or make a move in the bedroom, think about what makes her melt. What do you do that pulls her toward you?
When I ask men in sexless marriages this question, they can’t think of an answer.
Consider what you do in your life that brings you joy, where you’re in flow, where you feel masterful.
Watching you in that state is likely to be a turn-on for her.
If you don’t feel you have anything that you’re ‘masterful’ at, it’s not too late to start.
For example, George Leonard, an Aikido master who wrote the book ‘Mastery’ (which I recommend), didn’t begin Aikido until his late 40s.
There are so many more qualities that make him irresistible to me (great at having hard convos and at repair, for example), but your partner might find different things attractive.
The point is, being in your zone of genius is consistently backed by therapists and researchers.
That's a sure fire way to turn on her by doing what you love.
Looking for more ways to bring back that spark?
I’ve written a free PDF guide sharing my 4 Keys for Passion.
Discover how to show up as a powerful presence that women love (no more worries about being seen as ‘creepy’) and fix your ‘upper limit’ so you can actually receive the pleasure and connection you’re longing for.
It’s time to create high-quality relationships across the board in your life (with your partner, kids, parents, boss, and friends).
Download your free PDF guide here.
Dr. Jessica,
xo
Follow me on Instagram: @drjessicagold and on X: @drjessicagold
Yes — research consistently shows that passion and competence are major drivers of attraction. When a man is in his zone of genius, women perceive him as confident, capable, and grounded — three traits deeply linked to desire.
Many men unconsciously shift from attracting to appeasing. They stop investing in the pursuits that once made them feel alive and start focusing entirely on their partner’s happiness. Ironically, that pressure kills polarity and attraction.
Pushing comes from seeking validation or approval. Attracting comes from self-possession — doing what lights you up, without needing her response to feel good about yourself. Women are drawn to that energy instinctively.
According to Dr. Jessica Gold’s research and real-life client work:
Look for activities that make you lose track of time, feel fully present, and express your natural strengths. Whether it’s building, playing, teaching, or creating — the key is engagement with life itself.
Start small. Confidence grows through consistency, not perfection. Pick one skill or interest that excites you — even if you’re terrible at it — and commit to practice. The energy of growth is itself a turn-on.
Download Jessica’s free guide: 4 Keys to Passionate Relationships.
Learn how to embody the kind of presence that naturally turns women on — without pretending, performing, or chasing.
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