If you get really honest with yourself for a moment, when it comes to women, are you driven by:
1) a passion for learning
or
2) a hunger for approval
Most of us - men and women alike - are culturally conditioned to seek approval from the opposite sex.
Women often have to recover from ‘good girl’ conditioning - which divorces us from our own desires and our own pleasure and places our focus on performative ‘pleasing’.
The men I work with can fall into ‘nice guy’ behavior - not daring to rock the boat, suppressing emotions and desires, and bending over backwards to ‘please’.
All of us may believe we have to be ‘perfect’ and that we can’t fail - because who we are requires approval, or else we’ll be rejected.
That’s typical of what’s called a ‘fixed mindset,’ which doesn’t allow for learning or growth. It sees failure as ‘the end’ rather than a required step in the process of transformation.
Now, of course there are the very enthusiastic among us who might answer both 1 and 2 to the query above - and bravo!
But 2 is perniciously persistent - and it torpedoes way more than connection in your relationship.
Fortunately, there’s 20 years of research into what to do instead, from Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck.
When it comes to how to skyrocket the success of your relationship, here’s the central idea to understand:
Your beliefs about who you are affect how you behave, which influences your success.
Another way to put it is: the story you tell yourself about your relationship and about your partner can empower you or trap you.
For example: if you believe “women don’t like men like me”, or “my wife just doesn’t like sex”, then,
How do you behave?
And what outcome do you get?
Whereas, on the other hand, if you believe “I’m lovable and have a lot to offer,” or “my wife doesn’t like something about the sex that’s on the table”, then how do you behave?
And what outcome do you get? It’s a totally different story.
Scenario 1 is exemplifying the ‘fixed mindset’ I mentioned above - where you believe ‘that’s just how things are’ and your intelligence, abilities, and character can’t be changed.
Scenario 2 is exemplifying a ‘growth mindset’ - where you realize that challenges are meant to help you grow.
Imagine you didn’t have to keep ‘proving’ how good you were - in life and in your relationship.
Imagine that you gave yourself permission to mess up, recalibrate, learn, and try again.
Interestingly, research shows that the brains of people with growth mindsets respond differently to challenge and feedback than those with fixed mindsets.
People with fixed mindsets tend to ignore information that could help them learn,
whereas those with growth mindsets focus on information that could help them learn.
Now, the push-back I hear from clients is often “But she won’t like it if I don’t do it right!”
If you are in the situation where your partner turns your mistakes into character flaws and where blame is the norm -
Then you need to stop and have a conversation about bringing a growth mindset into your relationship. However, this can be difficult if your fixed-mindset partner perceives any attempt at reframing as blame.
In fact, one of the most common challenges I see in the couples I work with is when one partner has a growth mindset and the other has a fixed mindset.
The first step is to start with yourself. When you change your narratives and give yourself permission to try, fail, learn, and try again, the dance in your relationship changes.
Give yourself permission to think bigger, think bolder, to love more deeply - in life and in your relationship. See how that changes your behavior - and your success.
Let’s reignite that spark and bring more passion in your relationship, shall we?
Download my free guide on 4 Keys to Passionate Relationships.
Show up as a powerful presence that women love (no more worries about being seen as ‘creepy’) and fix your ‘upper limit’ so you can actually receive the pleasure and connection you’re longing for.
This is THE guide to creating high-quality relationships across the board in your life (with your partner, kids, parents, boss, and friends).
Dr. Jessica,
xo
Follow me on IG: @drjessicagold and on X: @drjessicagold, and connect with me on LinkedIn: Dr. Jessica Gold, PhD
Because they operate from a fixed mindset — believing they can’t change, that their partner “just doesn’t like sex,” or that women don’t want men like them. This keeps them trapped in old patterns.
Your beliefs shape your behavior, and your behavior shapes outcomes. If you believe you’re unlovable, you’ll withdraw and confirm the story. If you believe you’re desirable, you show up confidently — and create connection.
You can’t control her mindset, but you can model growth. When you stop fearing mistakes and start learning out loud, the relational “dance” shifts. She may soften and follow your lead.
Start with yourself:
The research is clear: people with growth mindsets not only improve their relationships, they outperform in work, wealth, and health. The same mindset that fuels intimacy also fuels leadership.
Download my free guide: 4 Keys to Passionate Relationships.
It shows you how to bring growth mindset into your relationship, so you can create connection, passion, and lasting success.
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