When it comes to how to fix your sexless marriage - without convincing, arguing, blaming or making anyone wrong...

It’s really not rocket science.

After working with over 500 men and couples, there’s a pattern of beliefs and behavior I see again and again.

This pattern isn’t a personal failing to beat yourself up over.

It’s a function of our competition-driven, individualistic, and sensationalized culture.

In other words: it’s the water we swim in, so it’s hard to recognize.

Unfortunately, it’s pure poison when it comes to intimacy.

It looks like this:

1) Being stuck in complaint and powerlessness, waiting for the other person to change.

This is also called ‘learned helplessness,’ described by Martin Seligman in the 1960s.

It’s hard to know what to do in sticky relational situations because we weren’t modeled or taught any relational skills that actually work.

2) Seeing relating as a zero-sum game, looking to assign blame and get out of being ‘at fault’, and being focused on who is right and who is wrong.

This second point is usually operating subconsciously, and we simply don’t realize there’s any other way.

Unfortunately, it lets our innate negativity bias and confirmation bias take the lead in relationships.

This creates a feedback loop that entrenches negativity, coldness, and disconnection.

For example, you may notice your wife never initiates, and you make it mean that she doesn’t like sex.

Then you start seeing more signs that confirm that belief, you feel worse about yourself, she keeps not initiating, which keeps confirming your belief, and so on.

Taken together with point one, we have a relationship where you put all the focus on her, rather than taking your power back and asking:

“What can I do about this? What am I not seeing here? What do I need to learn?”

If you are stuck with the idea that ‘someone is at fault,’ then it can be nearly impossible to ask ‘what do I need to learn?’ because it implies it’s ‘all your fault.’

How to Fix Your Sexless Marriage

You have the opportunity to get free from this with 2 initial shifts:

1. Create a culture of appreciation to antidote the negativity loop. Look for things you love, and tell her. Look for evidence of love.
2. Begin a simple, honest, re-examination of your unconscious beliefs. (You may need someone to support you with this because it’s hard to see our own blind spots).

It’s both hard and easy.

Hard because first you have to become aware of your beliefs and attitudes, and you may encounter inner resistance, along with shame.

Easy because once you see what’s going on, it’s exhilarating to choose a more empowered approach to life and love.

It’s freedom.

Once you’ve taken those first steps, here’s what’s next:

Instead of complaining and feeling powerless, ask “What else can I do here? What needs to be done?” and come to your relationship every day with that curiosity.

As one of my teachers, Kendra Cunov, says “Complaints are lazy desires.”

Were you taught that it’s ‘selfish’ to have desires, and you don’t want to ‘inconvenience’ anyone? Much better to bend over backwards to please?

It’s a #1 passion killer.

If you think you’ve ‘done everything’ and nothing is changing, that means you have blind spots. Get outside help.

Here's a few more tips on how to fix your sexless marriage:

• Focus on the pattern between the two of you, rather than making one of you ‘at fault.’ Instead, consider: “What have we co-created here, unconsciously?”
• Engage a process of study out of love — love for yourself, for her, for your family, for your relationship. Not from the place of “I’m not enough / I’m bad.”
• It boggles the mind that we’ve shamed ourselves out of studying the most important bedrock of our lives: our romantic partnership.

The awesome men I’ve worked with believe that they are communicating skillfully — they don’t realize that we internalized terrible models that kill connection.

There’s a more effective way. You can spend the rest of your marriage frustrated and lonely, scrolling social media and considering affairs, or you can learn what works.

Here’s an all too familiar story I hear from my clients:

“When I come home from work, I’m looking for a soft spot to land.

I’m looking for a distraction from work.

But when my relationship wasn’t a soft spot to land, and romantic time disappeared, I over-indexed on work, looking for a distraction from the tension at home.

Look, I’m a sales guy, I want to close the deal — I asked her ‘what do we need to get the romantic deal done between us’? But that made her angrier.

Eventually, I wasn’t happy at home or at work.

And that’s when I turned to things outside of both for comfort.”

I see this a lot in my practice.

The problem is simple: you didn’t get the manual on modern relating — there didn’t used to have to be one.

(Plus, a lot of the science wasn’t done until the 2000s).

I didn’t either — and neither did my ex-husband or current partner.

I didn’t know what I didn’t know — and it led to an expensive divorce and 4 years of soul-searching.

What if you could lean in with her in a way that actually worked, before you lean out ‘for comfort elsewhere’?

No ‘convincing’, ‘forcing’, ‘arguing’, ‘blaming’ or making anyone wrong required?

That's how to fix your sexless marriage.

And this is my passion and my specialty.

Want more on how to bring back that spark in your relationship?

Discover my 4 Keys for Passionate Relationships and show up as a powerful presence that women love (no more worries about being seen as ‘creepy’).

You’ve mastered the boardroom. Now it’s time to master the bedroom—and build a relationship that rivals your success.

Download your free guide here.

Dr. Jessica

xo

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Quick Answers: Jessica on Restoring Passion Without Blame

What’s the biggest trap in sexless marriages?

Two patterns:

1. Complaining and waiting for her to change.
   
   
2. Assigning blame and focusing on fault.
   
   

Both create a cycle of resentment and disconnection.

Why do men get stuck in complaint mode?

Because most of us were never taught real relational skills. Without tools, we default to helplessness or criticism.

How does blame kill intimacy?

When the focus is “who’s at fault,” your brain’s negativity bias takes over. You start collecting evidence against her—and against yourself—rather than building connection.

What’s the first step to break the cycle?

1. Build a culture of appreciation.
   
   
2. Challenge unconscious beliefs that keep you powerless.
   
   

Isn’t desire selfish?

No. Suppressing your desires kills passion. Naming them creates connection. As Kendra Cunov says: “Complaints are lazy desires.”

What should I do if nothing changes?

If you feel you’ve “tried everything,” you probably have blind spots. Outside help is often necessary to see what you can’t.

How do I fix intimacy without arguing or convincing her?

• Focus on the pattern you’ve co-created, not fault.
  
  
• Lead with curiosity and appreciation.
  
  
• Study your relationship out of love, not shame.
  
  

Why is outside support valuable?

Because most men think they’re communicating well. But the models we internalized—fault-finding, defensiveness, shutting down—actually kill connection.

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