“But, Jessica, isn’t asking for what I want ‘needy’?”
This is the #1 most common objection I get from men in sexless marriage when I challenge them to bring things up with their wife.
They would rather quietly stew, frustrated, and wait for her to read their mind.
But she definitely feels it if you’re carrying unspoken resentment and frustration and it’s a turn-off that will only perpetuate the situation.
So what do you do instead?
You ask for what you want without the ‘needy’ energy.
Here’s how to communicate your needs to her without being 'needy':
1. Recognize that everyone has needs, and having them does not make you ‘needy’.
Check if you’re carrying around an unconscious narrative that men ‘shouldn’t’ have needs.
Relationships are about collaborating together, where you both get to give and receive.
You both get to be humans having a human experience. If you’re pretending you don’t have needs, it’s not a relationship, it’s a lie.
2. Reframe ‘needs’ as ‘desires,’ and make invitations, not demands.
Instead of: “I need you to text me back during the workday” say: “I feel lit up about hearing from you in flirty texts when I’m at work, and it makes my day. I want to stay connected to you even from the office. Can we find a way to do this that works for both of us?”
The key is to share what’s true for you without expectation. Men often believe that ‘needs’ are onerous for the other person because they believe that speaking them comes with an obligation. It doesn’t.
3. What if speaking your needs didn’t come across as ‘needy’ but as powerful?
First, change your own energy from ‘needy’/powerless to compassionate. Instead of waiting for her to meet your needs in order to feel better, you take the initiative to be kind and compassionate towards yourself. Root out judgment and get curious about any shame that’s arising. What love can you already give yourself?
Most men are blocked around this — and that’s where needs get ‘needy’. Then, from this place of being powerfully centered in your self-worth, collaborate together around what you want to change.
In the end, it’s not ‘pretending’ you don’t have needs (she’ll feel it) or, at the other extreme, expecting her to meet them.
Like most of what I write about here, the answer is a third way, more nuanced, which, while it might seem more challenging at first, once you get the hang of it, it’s actually empowering and makes life and relating interesting rather than frustrating.
That's how to communicate your needs to her without being 'needy'.
Give it a shot and tell me what you notice.
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Dr. Jessica,
xo
Follow me on Instagram: @drjessicagold and on X: @drjessicagold
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