How to Bring Back the Spark in Your Marriage
You gave her everything she could have wanted — so why isn’t she happy?
You made it.
After a few successful exits, you’ve got this business and money game handled.
You got the message you were supposed to be the provider, and you’ve damn well provided.
Your wife has every luxury: the house, the car, the clothes, the dinners, the trips, the freedom to not worry.
The kids are in great schools.
So why is there this coldness between you?
Conversations go nowhere, staying maddeningly surface-level.
She seems distant, and never initiates.
You know that she struggles with body image, but she brushes off your compliments.
You can’t seem to get through.
You’d give anything to know how to light her up, see her smile and laugh again with you.
You’re relentlessly in-demand at work, but you feel like an imposter because at home it’s like an ice cave.
What is all this success for if you feel alone?
And how to bring back the spark in your marriage?
You refuse to spend the rest of your life like this, but nothing you try seems to work.
I’ve seen this scenario play out over and over (and over!) for my clients.
When I drill down, it’s quickly clear what’s happening — the same thing that was happening in my own marriage (before it ended in divorce).
You see, most people are ‘just winging it’ when it comes to relating — and this is a recipe for disaster.
You are incredibly well-intentioned and you believe you’re connecting with her emotionally — but you haven’t been given the right tools, and it’s not working
She is experiencing religious or cultural shame or trauma preventing her from opening up — or she has tried but didn’t feel heard.
Neither of you were taught effective communication skills that allow safety and repair to happen
You’re both playing out unconscious roles and unexamined narratives about relating and sex — and it’s scary to question them.
The problem here is not you and it’s not her — it’s the dynamic between the two of you.
It’s hard to see on your own and hard to fix while also holding your own reactions.
The good news is that fixing this isn’t about blaming anyone. It’s not a zero-sum game of who’s right and who’s wrong.
And you can fix this — I’ve seen multiple 10-year sexless marriages recover intimacy.
Instead, when it comes to how to bring back the spark in your marriage, consider: How can you partner with each other to study the dynamic, like scientists, like explorers? How can you team up to support each other?
It starts with something most couples have never sat down to do together: agreeing on a shared vision for your relationship.
Want to unlock more passion in your relationship?
Show up as a powerful presence that women love (no more worries about being seen as ‘creepy’).
Fix your ‘upper limit’ so you can actually receive the pleasure and connection you’re longing for.
Create high-quality relationships across the board in your life (with your partner, kids, parents, boss, and friends).
Dr. Jessica,
xo
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