When it comes down to how to awaken your wife's desire, romantic dinners, flowers, and lingerie aren’t anywhere on the list.
You’re tired of being rejected.
You also respect her, and don’t want ‘pity’ sex, once a month, either.
You want her full buy-in.
You want her to want you.
You’ve talked about it, but she says “it’s not you, it’s me.”
Or “I just don’t know how to get in the mood.”
Or “Why do you need sex, isn’t love enough?”
And nothing changes.
So, what do you do?
Luckily, you don’t have to guess.
The science of desire tells us exactly what’s going on and what to do.
(Assuming there aren’t underlying medical conditions that need treatment.)
First off, no one is under any obligation to have sex.
And, cultivating pleasure, play, and passion together is a gift you give yourselves as a couple that’s important for your relationship.
As Esther Perel says: “Categorical rejection, over and over, destroys a man and a marriage. [Furthermore], absolute ‘no’ is limiting for the one giving it. There’s more freedom in ‘maybe’ or ‘let’s kiss’ or ‘talk me into it’.”
If that made your eyes cross, don’t worry. All you need to know is that it’s like having both an accelerator and a brake.
If you’re already frustrated and wanting to GO when it comes to intimacy, you’ll make the mistake of pushing harder and harder on the accelerator, without noticing what’s sitting on your wife’s ‘brakes’.
No amount of kissing or flowers will make her desire GO if there’s a lead weight on the brakes. So, put your detective hat on and go sleuthing.
Common weights on the brakes include: lack of sleep, work stress, lack of time to herself, sexual shame, not knowing how to ask for what she wants, lack of pleasure in her life, too much housework, pain with sex, fear of pregnancy, religious beliefs around sex, feeling emotionally disconnected from you, etc.
Another way to approach this is to ask her this question: ‘what is it that you don’t want when you don’t want sex with me?”
It might feel scary or vulnerable for her to answer, especially if she wants to ask you for something different in sex — because she doesn’t want to hurt her feelings.
So, take in what she says with love, and avoid defensiveness. Get curious about how you can collaborate together to take the lead weight off of her brakes.
And, it’s important not to expect ‘instant’ change or put pressure on this to lead to sex — she will likely need time to find her own way back to desire again, and that’s what we talk about in point 2.
2. Science also tells us that more women than men have something called ‘responsive’ desire.
This means that her desire arises in RESPONSE to pleasurable situations. This is very different from spontaneous desire (more common in men), which arises spontaneously in ANTICIPATION of pleasure.
There’s nothing wrong with responsive desire, it’s just a different way her human animal works.
The way you work with responsive desire is by taking the focus off of sex and centering PLEASURE in your relationship together.
Now, this may be thorny because most of us have been taught that pleasure is shameful. And I don’t just mean sexual pleasure, I mean pleasure in life overall — in her body, from her 5 senses, from her environment.
So, you can start by creating a pleasure-friendly environment that’s not about sex.
Dance in the kitchen, play with her hair, tease her, scratch her back, give her little kisses, cuddle — while letting her know explicitly that this is not meant to lead to sex.
Also, create a clean, comforting, and welcoming physical environment for pleasure in your home. Pleasure is sensitive to CONTEXT.
If she feels nourished both by the physical environment and emotionally by you, then it’s easier for pleasure to arise. Find out what brings her pleasure in her relationship with you.
When you create this pleasure-friendly context, you are awakening erotic aliveness in your relationship that’s far deeper than mere sex.
Then ask her: “What turns you on?”
Again, make it clear that this isn’t about proceeding to sex. If there’s a lot of water under the bridge, she may hesitate to give you these keys to her turn-on. It’s important to go slow and create spaciousness and safety (and, it’s normal to need help in having these conversations, so get yourself a therapist or coach).
She may say she doesn’t know, or she may not want to answer — it can be embarrassing, or she may worry about hurting your feelings if she wants something different.
It might also feel ‘self-indulgent’ to let herself have pleasure, even right there on the couch.
So, you may need to have the conversation a few times.
You can also play a game where you explore together what brings each other pleasure (I teach pleasure games to couples all the time).
Eventually, you can make a chart together of what hits the sexual ‘brakes’ and what hits the ‘accelerator’, and you can work on creating the optimal conditions for pleasure and desire in your relationship.
3. Ask yourself: "What is it that I want when I want sex with my wife?" and share that with her.
Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author, has found that people wants 4 things when they want sex:
But I suggest you take some time and write down what it is that you want.
Then, share with your wife what it is that you want when you want sex, so that she knows what it means to you.
You can take a lot of pressure off of her if you can collaborate together about how she can help you get what you want in creative ways that might not need to involve sex.
You can also invite her to join you in your vision of prioritizing your erotic life as a couple (if you have that vision). What needs to change to make that happen? What resources does she need? What does she need to feel from you?
Many thanks to Emily Nagoski and her books: Come as You Are and Come Together, for these great questions and for translating the brain science into practical steps for how to awaken your wife's desire.
Here’s a free PDF guide on How to Incorporate Neo-Tantra into Your Sex Life — NOW.
If you think you know what ‘tantra’ is — think again.
Get THE manual for tantra you’ve always wanted — for men, women, and everyone.
Dr. Jessica
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It’s usually not about you — it’s about what’s pressing on her internal “brakes.” Science shows that women’s desire works on a dual-control model: both accelerator (turn-ons) and brakes (turn-offs). Stress, exhaustion, shame, disconnection, or feeling unappreciated are the most common “brakes.”
Ask this question with genuine curiosity:
“What is it that you don’t want when you don’t want sex with me?”
Then listen. No defensiveness. Her answers might surprise you — and they’re gold if you want to reconnect.
Pushing harder on the accelerator — gifts, more talking, or pressure — without noticing the brakes. Desire can’t thrive in pressure. Focus on emotional safety and pleasure, not persuasion.
Most women don’t feel desire before intimacy — they feel it after they start relaxing, touching, or playing. It’s called responsive desire, and it’s completely normal. Your job isn’t to “make” her want sex, but to co-create the right environment for pleasure to awaken naturally.
Take sex off the table for a while. Dance in the kitchen. Touch without agenda. Compliment her non-sexually. Keep your home clean, cozy, and calm. When she feels nourished and safe, her body and mind can reconnect to pleasure.
Don’t panic. Many women lose connection to their desires after years of pressure or shame. Play exploration games, ask open-ended questions, and go slow. It can take multiple conversations for her to feel safe enough to share.
Ask yourself:
“What is it that I want when I want sex with my wife?”
Connection? Validation? Shared pleasure? Freedom?
When you can name and express your real desires, it invites her into a deeper partnership instead of a performance.
Download Dr. Jessica’s 4 Keys to Passionate Relationships — a science-backed guide to rewiring desire, rebuilding connection, and creating a passionate marriage that lasts.
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