While ‘desire discrepancy’ in couples is known and talked about, what’s less addressed is something I see all the time in my work.
I call it the ‘growth gap’.
It’s where one partner is willing and able to take responsibility, regulate emotionally, and learn effective ways to communicate, while the other is…not.
It’s a heartbreaking scenario, for both parties.
Here’s the thing. There has been tons of research on what works to keep relationships alive and happy.
One recent example is from social psychologist Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh’s two decades of research on hundreds of couples. She found that these ‘ingredients’ are necessary to build a lifetime of love:
Cultivating these ingredients required an ability to self-reflect and a willingness to grow together, at the minimum.
And yet in my work, what I find is that marriages with a ‘growth gap’ are the norm. No one was assessing for emotional maturity, openness to growth, or curiosity about their inner world during dating.
Let’s be clear that this situation arises through cultural defaults and not personal failings. We simply don’t realize there can be another way.
Instead what clients have repeatedly told me brought them together was:
Even worse, when a marriage is struggling, there is tremendous pressure to not ‘fail’ — and keep it together at all costs. But the costs to our mental health are too big, and we bequeath a legacy of a lifetime of failed romance to our kids, who are imprinted with what we model.
Leila Hormozi says: “Your spouse is your life’s co-founder. They’ll eitherinvest in your dreams or bankrupt your confidence. Choose wisely.”
It’s long past time we were handed down models of relating and incentives that allowed us to do just that.
If you’re in a relationship that already has a growth gap, the first step can be having compassion for your spouse and getting curious about what’s happening for them.
The second step is to turn toward what you can do to change things, instead of waiting for them to change.
Which ‘ingredients’ does your relationship need more of, that you can provide?
Bring it.
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Dr. Jessica,
xo
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It’s not a lack of sex or attraction — it’s the growth gap: when one partner is willing to grow emotionally and relationally while the other resists change.
Because passion requires mutual evolution. When one partner keeps learning and the other stays static, resentment builds, intimacy fades, and the relationship loses vitality.
Desire discrepancy is about mismatched libido. The growth gap runs deeper — it’s about mismatched emotional maturity and openness to learning, which affects every part of the relationship, including sex.
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh’s research on hundreds of couples found that thriving partnerships require:
All of which depend on self-awareness and a willingness to grow.
Cultural conditioning. Many people marry for status, pressure, or security — not shared values or emotional depth. No one ever taught us to assess for emotional intelligence when choosing a partner.
Yes — if one partner starts leading with compassion and curiosity instead of blame. Change the energy by embodying the qualities you want more of: empathy, presence, and courage to evolve.
Ask yourself: Which ingredient does my relationship need more of — trust, respect, or curiosity? Then focus on embodying that daily, rather than waiting for your partner to go first.
Download my free guide: 4 Keys to Passionate Relationships.
Discover how to reignite connection and close the “growth gap” with practical, science-backed tools for emotional intimacy and lasting passion.
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