“Our relationship isn’t perfect, but…”
Here’s the thing:
Perfection isn’t the goal.
It never was.
If by ‘perfect’ you mean ‘we never fight’ - then you’ve missed the point.
You see, psychologists used to believe that the caregiver-baby bond was one uninterrupted stream of bliss. And so we extrapolated that the ideal marriage was also one of uninterrupted peace, happiness, and bliss.
But this isn’t how humans work.
Attachment research blew this idea out the water and showed that babies and their caregivers are in a constant dance of attunement, rupture, and repair.
This means that from the moment we come blinking into this world, our nervous system goes through these cycles - we’re trained that way and it’s expected.
To be aiming for ‘perfection’ in a relationship is to be ungrounded in the reality of being a human meat sack.
Instead, what we know that makes relationships work today is…drum roll:
Your ability to repair effectively.
A great relationship isn’t measured by whether or not you fight, but instead by how well you repair.
Rupture is inevitable (and its total absence is in fact a red flag).
Repair is an art form that takes courage and humility to learn.
A great relationship has both.
“All relationships are a dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair,” says renowned couples’ therapist, Terry Real (author of “Us”).
What I wish I heard couples say instead is: “Yeah, we have our tough moments, and damn I’m proud of our ability to repair. Because we know how to come back together, we aren’t afraid to be real with each other. I can trust my partner, and our relationship feels alive, full of respect and love.”
So… How do you repair? What does that look like?
Stay tuned for my next article on the art of repair.
In the meantime…
Are you looking for more ways to reignite the passion in your relationship?
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Dr. Jessica,
xo
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Because it implies that perfection is the goal. Relationships aren’t meant to be flawless — they’re meant to be repairable. Real intimacy comes from navigating rupture and reconnection, not from never fighting.
Attachment science shows that all human bonds — from parent-child to romantic — follow a natural rhythm: harmony, disharmony, and repair. The absence of rupture isn’t health; it’s disconnection.
Because earlier psychology assumed that good relationships were free of conflict. Modern research disproves that. Healthy couples fight — they just know how to come back together afterward.
Not how few arguments you have, but how effectively you repair. Couples who can name mistakes, own impact, and reconnect quickly build lasting trust and passion.
Repair restores safety to the nervous system. When you know your partner can handle tension without withdrawal or blame, you feel free to open, express, and desire again.
Try: “We have tough moments, but I’m proud of our ability to repair.” That statement shows strength, emotional intelligence, and real partnership.
Download my free guide: 4 Keys to Passionate Relationships.
Learn how to navigate rupture and repair like a pro — and reignite the passion that only emotional safety makes possible.
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