Built a Business. Lost Yourself? The Real Reason Men Are Struggling in Relationships: The Lost Boys Report

The Lost Boys Report

In March of this year, the Centre for Social Justice in Britain released the ‘Lost Boys’ report, a comprehensive analysis of the challenges facing boys and young men in the UK today.

“Whilst the last hundred years have been marked by great leaps forward in outcomes and rights for women, in this generation it is boys who are being left behind. And by some margin.”

The CSJ compiled data from experts, grassroots sources, and from quantitative analysis, and they found several troubling trends, including:

• Early leaning gap - By age 5, only 60.7% of boys achieve a good level of development, compared to 75% of girls.

• Academic performance - Boys consistently lag behind girls from primary school through higher education.

• Suicide rates - Suicide is the leading cause of death among young men. Between ages 15 and 19, for every girl who takes her own life, almost 3.5 boys do.

• NEET Status: Since the pandemic, the number of males 16-24 not in education, employment, or training (NEET) has increased by 40%, compared to a 7% rise for females.

• Lack of male role models - almost half of first-born children do not live with both natural parents by age 14, and many boys grow up without positive male role models, leading them to sometimes seek out controversial online figures.

All this was sobering, but not surprising, considering what I’ve seen in my work over the past 10 years. 

Even though the Lost Boys Report was conducted in the UK and among a younger demographic, I’ve seen the mature men in America who I work with struggling, too - with loneliness, emotional repression, and especially that last category of role models.

I’ve seen the consequences of seeking out ‘controversial online figures’ as role models in my dating clients, who come steeped in biological determinism and evolutionary psychology.Those are tough mindsets to antidote, and they torpedo men’s chances of finding a happy partnership.

I appreciated the spirited discussion of the report on the Diary of a CEO podcast, with Logan Ury and Scott Galloway.

Ury mentioned she was afraid to go on the show and talk about this issue because she didn’t want to be seen as ‘anti-woman.’

That’s another common problem I see in my work today: black-and-white thinking.For example, if we are considering one gender’s problems, it must mean we blame the other.

And I’m sure this report will cause the usual blamers to come out and point fingers at feminism, no-fault divorce, and women working - which is not helpful.Subjugation and control is not the way to a great life-long romance.As Ury so eloquently put it: "Women don't have to do worse when men do better and vice versa, and let's raise up everyone so that we're all thriving.”And that’s why I do the work I do with men and couples.

Men have been underserved when it comes to relational tools and support in the transition from transactional, provider-based marriage into the deeper, love-based partnerships of modern life.I was hopeful that things were changing for the better, as interest in men’s groups like ManKind, Evryman, Sacred Sons, and others has grown dramatically in the past 10-15 years.

Today’s older generations of men (who I tend to work with), don’t struggle as much with education or work, but rather with the emotional and psychological dimensions of life. With the younger generations poised to be behind in both domains, it’s bad news for everyone.

If one gender is ‘falling behind’ then the other will struggle to find amazing partners. Nobody wants this.

Perhaps there is hope. In the Lost Boys Report, the CSJ made several recommendations for solutions, including tailoring teaching to boys’ learning styles and encouraging emotional intelligence without shaming masculinity.

I think the increased awareness that I’ve seen from the Lost Boys Report alone is a much-needed permission slip to un-shame even talking about these issues - and a catalyst for a deeper re-think of how we’re doing life and relationships in the modern era.

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Dr. Jessica,

xo

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