The #1 block to having healthy relationships that I see repeatedly is equating ‘taking responsibility’ with ‘blame’.
This false equivalence is a cultural default. Our brains go directly into the self blame and a shame spiral without realizing there is another way.
This reflex (which happens without our awareness) makes it impossible to have constructive conversations and to change and grow.
And it destroys intimacy in your relationship.
My brain certainly was programmed that way. I remember that shame spiral well.
It seemed impossible to believe that owning my part wasn’t about blame.
It took persistent effort, the right conditions that forced me to watch my brain default to defensiveness instead of acting it out, the determination to sit with acute discomfort, and the repeated experience of being loved, even when I ‘screwed up’ (as my brain called it),
But I was able to deconstruct that reflex and choose a more relational way of being.
Today I think about how to tell someone stuck in the old reflex that if they can hold and allow that shame spiral, that going through the temporary discomfort can result in the empowerment of a lifetime.
We know from neuroscience that the moment when you are in the midst of feeling deeply is the most powerful moment to change your brain (because the part of the brain that assigns meaning and stores memory is paying attention).
Essentially, this is why it’s so important to let yourself feel (as much as it’s easy to make fun of that) — but yep, there is good scientific reason for it — and in the midst of that, you choose another way.
You change your brain and change your life to get the love you are seeking.
Want to find out more about how to unlock more passion in your relationship?
Download my free PDF guide to discover my 4 Keys to Passionate Relationships.
Show up as a powerful presence that women love (no more worries about being seen as ‘creepy’).
Fix your ‘upper limit’ so you can actually receive the pleasure and connection you’re longing for and create high-quality relationships across the board in your life.
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Dr. Jessica,
xo
Follow me on Instagram: @drjessicagold and on X: @drjessicagold
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