You’re stuck in a zero-sum game.
If she ‘wins’, you lose, and vice versa.
The relationship becomes a competition between the two of you.
Or, worse, tit-for-tat transactional.
You’re keeping score and constantly feeling let down or upset when things ‘aren’t fair.’
It’s a sure way to kill the passion — and the simple joy of being together.
(Unless you both have a competition kink).
What you want is to be on the same team.
The therapist Terry Real, famous for walking couples back from the brink of divorce, talks about this in his best-selling book, US.
He calls changing the ‘me vs you’ mentality an act of “Relational Heroism.”
But my favorite writer on this topic is philosopher Nate Klemp.
Don’t worry, his take on it is highly practical.
In the book ‘The 80/80 Marriage’ Klemp and his wife, Kaley, write about how they both focus on doing more than ‘their share’ in their marriage…
And step out of the ‘keeping score’ paradigm entirely.
Now, of course, this only works if you are both willing to play — if you’re both psychologically healthy.
This isn’t about bending over backwards to please your partner and getting crumbs in return.
When I read the Klemps’ book, I realized they had put words to a practice I had been instinctively doing already in my relationship.
Yes, 80/80 is a mathematical impossibility.
And here’s how it plays out in real life:
When you’re both giving 80% to your relationship, it’s a mindset of ‘radical generosity.’
Every day, you’re thinking ‘what can I do for you?’ instead of ‘what can I get from you?’
Be careful though! It’s not about obsequiousness or being a martyr.
It’s about:
What you do — contributing 80% to the household chores, for example
What you see — appreciating your partner, seeing what they’re doing right
What you say — revealing your inner world with skill and kindness, instead of withholding
It can look like:
Intentionally ‘losing’ an argument
Giving appreciations and expecting nothing in return
Noticing what needs to be done and doing it, whether it’s ‘yours’ to do or not
For example, just this morning, I saw my partner shake out the leaves from our inside doormat at the most-trafficked door of our house.
It had been driving me crazy, but I hadn’t done anything about it. He saw that something needed to be done, and did it.
It made me catch my breath and brought a shiver of delight.
On my end, I love putting out the trash cans, if I come home and see they aren’t on the street yet, even though it’s ‘his’ job.
It’s these little ways that we say ‘I love you’ to each other.
And if you’re thinking ‘but my partner would never do that,’ I suggest you try it out on your side, without telling them.
You don’t have to go overboard and wear yourself out. Simply implement the 80/80 mindset and shift what you do, see, and say to the degree that you can.
When one partner changes the dance, the whole dance shifts. It breaks old patterns and wakes up new energy.
I’ve seen this happen in the clients I work with.
Your challenge: Stop keeping a 50/50 score in your relationships and try 80/80 for a week — see what happens. It can inspire your partner to do the same without even having to have a conversation about it.
Let’s reignite that spark and bring more passion in your relationship, shall we?
Download my free guide on 4 Keys to Passionate Relationships.
Show up as a powerful presence that women love (no more worries about being seen as ‘creepy’) and fix your ‘upper limit’ so you can actually receive the pleasure and connection you’re longing for.
Create high-quality relationships across the board in your life (with your partner, kids, parents, boss, and friends).
Dr. Jessica,
xo
Follow me on IG: @drjessicagold and on X: @drjessicagold, and connect with me on LinkedIn: Dr. Jessica Gold, PhD
Because scorekeeping turns love into a competition. When you measure who’s doing more, you both lose. True intimacy thrives when both partners see themselves as on the same team — not opponents.
The 80/80 mindset. It’s about radical generosity — each partner aiming to give 80%, not to “win,” but to uplift the relationship. The goal is mutual abundance, not fairness.
No. The 80/80 approach only works when both partners are healthy and self-responsible. It’s about generosity, not martyrdom. Boundaries still matter — but love expands when you lead with giving instead of withholding.
Generosity builds safety — and safety fuels passion. When partners feel seen and appreciated, defensiveness drops and attraction naturally returns.
Try it for a week without saying a word about it. When one person changes the dance, the rhythm shifts. Kindness and generosity are contagious when they’re genuine.
Download my free guide: 4 Keys to Passionate Relationships.
It’s your roadmap for rebuilding connection and reigniting passion through emotional intelligence and skillful communication.
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