Are you unconsciously sabotaging your relationship happiness?

I have seen many couples in my practice who come in mired in complaints about each other. 

Relationships are tough, and it’s hard not to get into a rut like that after years or decades.

Unfortunately, the combination of these cognitive fallacies - or errors in thinking - make it hard to see outside of the negative.

First as a scientist and then as an entrepreneur, I’ve had to become aware of these tendencies of my brain in order to make bold moves and stay the course through thick and thin.

And then I get to reap the rewards of that awareness in my romantic relationship.

So, before you get too deep in a rut and have to spend a lot of time in coaching or therapy, here’s what to check yourself for to be sure you don’t unconsciously sabotage your relationship happiness:

1. Confirmation bias - looking for evidence that reinforces your pre-existing views while disregarding evidence that contradicts them.

So, whether your view of your wife is that she is “controlling” or that she is “loving,” your brain automatically looks for evidence to reinforce that.

It’s one of the ways we ‘create our own reality’ - in the real, neuroscience way.

(Not in the weird ‘woo’ way where it gets exaggerated into making stuff that you want appear and punishing yourself if your life isn’t what you want it to be - no thank you! But that’s another story).

2. Negativity bias - when positive aspects of a person or relationship are buried under criticism.

It’s well-known that our brains are wired to look for threats in order to keep us alive. So we will look for things that aren’t working.

It’s not just about physical survival, either - it’s also an emotional threat.

That’s why practices of gratitude or sharing daily appreciation with each other are so helpful. 

They aren’t just frivolous indulgences or corny platitudes - they actually help your brain see the full picture.

3. Fundamental attribution error - the tendency to attribute your own behavior to external factors outside your control while attributing your partner’s behaviors to their personality. Yours = circumstantial. Theirs = characterological.

If your partner comes home late, it’s because they are lazy and uncaring. If you come home late, it’s because it was raining so hard, you had an emergency at work, or the traffic was atrocious.

See what I’m getting at here? 

These are all mental traps that so many couples get stuck in that sabotage your relationship happiness.

The way to counteract this one is to give the benefit of the doubt… And also turn any knee-jerk accusations around and see how they apply to you, too. 

(Note that if you’re in a relationship with a psychologically unhealthy person, this isn’t recommended.)

So, which cognitive fallacy do you think is most prominently sabotaging your relationship happiness and life?

Once you’ve identified them - let’s reignite that spark and bring more passion in your relationship, shall we?

Download my free guide on 4 Keys to Passionate Relationships.

Show up as a powerful presence that women love (no more worries about being seen as 'creepy') and fix your ‘upper limit’ so you can actually receive the pleasure and connection you're longing for.

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Create high-quality relationships across the board in your life (with your partner, kids, parents, boss, and friends).

Get your free guide here.

Dr. Jessica,

xo

Follow me on IG: @drjessicagold and on X: @drjessicagold, and connect with me on LinkedIn: Dr. Jessica Gold, PhD

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Quick Answers: 3 Thinking Traps That Sabotage Relationship Happiness

What are cognitive fallacies in relationships?

They’re mental shortcuts or thinking errors that distort how you see your partner and your relationship. They make it easy to stay stuck in negativity instead of connection.

What’s an example of a cognitive fallacy?

Confirmation bias. It’s when you only notice evidence that supports your existing belief — like “she’s controlling” — and ignore signs of her kindness or care. Your brain literally edits reality to fit your story.

What is negativity bias and how does it hurt relationships?

Our brains are wired to notice threats. In relationships, that means you focus on what’s wrong and overlook what’s right. Regular appreciation and gratitude retrain your mind to see the full picture.

What’s the fundamental attribution error?

It’s when you explain your mistakes with excuses (“I was late because of traffic”) but blame your partner’s mistakes on their character (“She’s always inconsiderate”). It keeps you in blame instead of empathy.

How do I stop these mental traps from ruining my relationship?

• Catch your automatic thoughts.
  
  
• Look for disconfirming evidence.
  
  
• Practice daily appreciation.
  
  
• Assume positive intent unless proven otherwise.
  
  
• Ask, “What’s my part in this dynamic?”
  
  

Why does this matter for relationship happiness?

Because perception drives behavior. When you shift how you think, you naturally respond with more warmth, generosity, and openness — and your relationship transforms.

What’s my next step?

Download my free guide: 4 Keys to Passionate Relationships.
Learn the science-backed tools that help you rewire negativity, reignite passion, and build lasting emotional connection.

Get your free guide here.

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