Wondering how to fix your sexless marriage?

Get on board with the ‘both-and.’

Yep, that’s the trick.

Wondering what in the world that means?

Here’s an example.

When I help my clients learn to ask for what they want in their relationship (without pressure or expectation), they say:

“But Jessica, isn’t asking for what I want selfish?!”

You see, our culture operates based on black-and-white extremes, and according to that broken rulebook:

If you’re not being a martyr bending over backwards to please your wife, then the only other option is to be a selfish asshole who cares only about himself.

And, no well-meaning man wants to be the latter. You’ve heard the chorus of complaint from women about THAT.

Yet, notice how ridiculous those two options seem when written out like that.

Of course there has to be another option.

And there is! In between those extremes of martyr and selfish asshole is a wide open range. Self-esteem isn’t binary. It’s a spectrum.

That open range is where relating gets the most fun (more on this whole ‘fun’ thing in a bit).

What if, instead of relating being a you-vs-me, zero-sum thing, you could honor BOTH her desires and your desires?

Set aside the ‘how’ you might execute on that for a moment and focus on the meaning:

What if both your desires mattered — both worthy of being put on the table?

Yes. You can have and voice what you want. So can she. Even if it seems contradictory.

For example, maybe you want more passion and she wants more emotional connection in the relationship.

Both-and is a form of reasoning that resists binary ways of thinking.

Neither of you is being ‘selfish’ by having a seat at the table.

How do you resolve this? That’s where the juice of life lives.

How to fix your sexless marriage

I teach my clients to self-reveal, or in other words, to share the impact their wife is having on their inner world, instead of giving advice or defending, they often say:

“But Jessica, isn’t vulnerability unattractive to women?!”

Because again, our default programming only allows the extremes of: impenetrable stone-man or crying-on-the-floor-in-a-heap.

There’s no other way to do emotions. Either you have none and are stoic like a rock or you’re a total snivelling mess.

I think you can see where I’m going with this…

In between those extremes is a huge range of behavior on the vulnerability spectrum, which includes BOTH your strength and your ability to feel.

‘Both-and’ is a way of navigating paradox.

But, let’s make this practical:

How can you possibly do 2 seemingly contradictory things at once?

Well, this is where the ‘fun’ comes in.

Because honestly, as a nerd, that’s what I experience studying yourself and studying relating to be.

You get to learn to dance this dance of holding paradox, through awareness, compassion, and being willing to play out on that wide range of possibilities.

It’s a dance you learn for the rest of your life. And if you hate dance, think of engaging a flow state.

Imagine an endless adventure in your relationship. It’s what men often tell me they want.

This is the key in how to fix your sexless marriage.

And the best part? Simply taking the first step of letting it all come to awareness without needing to ‘solve’ anything sometimes is actually all the solution you need.

Want to unlock more passion in your relationship and fix your sexless marriage?

Get my free 4 Keys for Passionate Relationships PDF guide.

Show up as a powerful presence that women love (no more worries about being seen as ‘creepy’) and fix your ‘upper limit’ so you can actually receive the pleasure and connection you’re longing for.

​It’s time to create high-quality relationships across the board in your life.

Download your free PDF guide here.

Dr. Jessica

xo

Follow me on Instagram: @drjessicagold and on X: @drjessicagold

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Quick Answers: Jessica on Fixing a Sexless Marriage

What’s the one trick to fix a sexless marriage?

Adopt the “both-and” mindset—a way of honoring both your needs and hers instead of collapsing into either self-sacrifice or selfishness.

Isn’t asking for what I want selfish?

No. It’s only selfish if you erase her desires. The healthiest marriages thrive when both people put their wants on the table.

What if we want different things?

That’s normal. For example: you might want more passion, she might want more emotional connection. Both can coexist if you stop treating desire like a zero-sum game.

Isn’t vulnerability unattractive to women?

Not at all. Women are turned on when you bring both strength and emotional openness. It’s not weakness—it’s range.

How do I practice “both-and” in daily life?

• Flirt, even after conflict.
  
  
• Ask for what you want and also listen for hers.
  
  
• Stay strong while revealing your feelings.
  This creates flow instead of standoffs.
  
  

Why does this approach revive passion?

Because sex dies when one partner’s needs disappear. Honoring both creates:

• More connection.
  
  
• More safety.
  
  
• More sex.