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4 Common Misconceptions About Boundaries and How Setting Boundaries is Actually an Act of Love


setting boundaries as an act of love how to set boundaries

Setting Boundaries as an Act of Love

If you’re not getting the love and respect you want from women, one of the key changes you probably need to make is regarding BOUNDARIES.


Yes.


I know that the status quo regards boundaries as ‘mean’ or as pushing someone away (and I certainly grew up in an environment like this, with no ability to have boundaries).


But actually…


Setting boundaries are how you show someone you love them.


Too many men believe that having no boundaries is the way to win her love and affection.


But actually, this is the way you ruin those things.


Bending over backwards to please her and subtracting yourself from the equation kills desire and respect.


Consider this:

1. Bringing up a boundary means you WANT TO STAY IN CONNECTION with someone — instead of walking away (or being quietly resentful in the connection).

2. Boundaries can be delivered with softness and love — not like an ultimatum or a threat (this takes some practice).

3. Boundaries allow both of you to RELAX — because you know what can happen in the space between you, and what you won’t allow.

4. When you express a boundary, you’re revealing something true for you, a vulnerable act that invites the deeper connection you’re longing for with her.

5. Boundaries are YOURS to hold, and not about controlling someone else. It’s up to you to say (lovingly): I am happy to talk to you, but not if there’s name-calling. I’m not going to continue this conversation right now.


And guess what? When you hold a boundary instead of endlessly waiting for her to change, you get your power back. You have the power to change your side of the dance — use it.


I know this probably brings up a lot of questions — and these are much deeper teachings to go into.


The key here is going to be setting boundaries with love and openness, rather than from a hard, closed place.


And, also — boundaries have consequences. Being willing to face them can be the hardest part.


You’ll likely need help to do this well, if it’s new territory.


4 Common Misconceptions About Setting Boundaries


Here are the 4 common misconceptions about setting boundaries — and their turnarounds:


1. They can’t be changed.

2. They are about separation and disconnection.

3. They are only in response to something we don’t like.

4. We can only express them from a hard, closed space.


The turnarounds:

1. Actually, boundaries can and do change! In different environments, and with different people.

2. They actually invite more intimacy and show a desire to connect.

3. Boundaries are about what we actually desire. They are a powerful act of being honest about our desires.

4. You can set them with an open heart and lots of love / compassion. They are not ‘punishment’.


Boundaries exist naturally in nature and in our lives. If there were no boundaries on the pickleball court, there’d be no game, no fun! If there were no marked lanes on streets, driving would be unsafe. If we didn’t have skin as a boundary, we wouldn’t survive.


We have a boundary around who we invite through the doorway into our home.


Boundaries with kids and pets.


Yet somehow, the idea of having any sort of psychological boundary with our partner is ‘mean.”


What is one boundary you want to set, with love, today — that would invite deeper connection into your relationship?


(Many thanks to a teacher of mine, Kendra Cunov, for her teachings on setting boundaries).


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With love,


Dr. Jessica

xo

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